Fight Fair? I don't think so.

Webster's Dictionary defines fight as "to contend in battle," whereas their definition of fair references "impartiality, honesty and freedom from self-interest, prejudice, or favoritism." That seals the deal for me! Fair fighting is an oxymoron. I vow never to suggest that fighting can, or should be fair. 

From where I stand, negotiation is a much more appropriate way to deal with relationship conflict.  Webster's says, to negotiate is, "to confer with another so as to arrive at the settlement of some matter."

All relationships, I repeat, every long lasting human interaction experiences conflict. Depending on your degree of investment in the relationship,  it may be worthwhile to go the distance in addressing it. 

When conflict arises, get face-to-face, with guard down, to discuss providing for the needs of one another. Negotiate.  

Unless, of course, you want the relationship to end, in which case fighting may be an option!

Communication Success. Exceptional Results Guaranteed.

Louis B. Mayer, the famous Hollywood studio mogul, once said, "For your information, let me ask you a question." He was certainly onto something. People like to be listened to. In fact, they like it way more than they like listening to others.

Visualize a person you've been having communication challenges with. Now, memorize this simple four-step process and practice it in conversation with them, repeatedly. Miracles will happen. Walls of resistance will fall...yours, and theirs. A willingness to move past disagreement and towards a focus on problem solving will emerge.

The simple (not necessarily easy) four step process is as follows;


Step 1: Ask a question.

Key point! If you want an open conversation ask an open ended question. Asking, "Did you have a good day?" yields a very different response than "How was your day today?" The first question encourages a yes/no response. The second, an explanation.

Step 2: Listen.

Listen with the W.A.I.T. strategy in mind  (Why Am I Talking). You get the idea. To really listen means to NOT TALK. Give good eye contact, track the speaker with your head, nod occasionally, etc., but DO NOT TALK. To our question about how the day was, we might hear "I had a great day until the drive home. The traffic was horrible and I was getting low on gas. I debated about pulling over to fill-up, but figured I could make it. It was very frustrating."

Step 3: Validate.

Summarize what you heard. This is how the other person knows you heard them.  They can then either confirm or clarify your understanding. Validating might sound like this, "It seems like you had a great day...other than your drive home. The traffic was terrible, you were low on gas and wondering if you should pull over or try to make it home...I know that was frustrating for you." The great thing about this strategy is that you don't have to guess or try to interpret what's been said. You merely repeat back what you heard with no judgment or value on it.

Step 4: Repeat as necessary.

We all want to be heard. We don't expect people to agree with us all the time, but we do expect to be understood. Sometimes it's all we need. If there's more to be addressed, feeling heard sets the stage for the next step in relationship success; negotiation, and if necessary, fighting fair. More on those topics next time!