Facebook; friend or unfriend?

I tend to be a visual person. I don't know about you, but when I'm interacting with friends on Facebook, I often imagine what the live scenario might look like. You know, how the scene might play out if we were having an actual, person-to-person encounter.

For instance, if I'm posting or commenting on the wall of a Facebook friend I've already met, like a high school or college buddy, in my mind I see a picture of us hanging out in a living room, backyard, or chatting in the isles of a grocery store.

When I'm on-line with someone I haven't met in person, I imagine us talking in a coffee shop, at a networking event or business social setting. You know, the kind of places that are good for getting to know someone new.

However we meet new people, there's an initial hope for a great connection, though sometimes that hope is short-lived. I became Facebook friends with someone who turns out to have some very different viewpoints on life, and shares a lot of negative, discouraging thoughts. Here's the thing though...we also have things in common, and sometimes she is surprisingly encouraging. I've pondered unfriending her, but then I think things like, "Gee, I could be a positive influence on her." I also think, "I am so tired of her sarcasm."

As in "real life," once we've opened the door, or in this case, our wall and let new people into a corner of our lives, we then have to make a decision about what to do with the relationship. If it's a great fit, well, then it's a no-brainer. We stick with  them and nurture the friendship. If it's not a good fit; that's when it becomes tricky. We can either drop them, or in Facebook language unfriend them, or we can keep the relationship. The decision then becomes about whether we're real, or superficial with them. Just like real life.

What's not so much like real life it that it's WAY easier to invite in, and then to ignore, unfriend or block someone out of your life behind the veil of the Internet. The truth is, we are all still people and all have the same feelings about relationships, whether live or virtually 'live.' So the question is, will you stay or will you go?

Hey! That's my kid you're talking about!

Your kid. The most important person in the world...each one, no matter how many you have. You'd give your life to save theirs.

Here's the thing about kids. They don't always tell us what they're thinking. When we don't know, we can't help and let's face it, they do need our help from time to time. 

Despite evidence to the contrary, kids want to be heard. Really heard. In this respect, they're no different from us adults. In another respect, they are very different. Kids can't express themselves as articulately as adults. They can't help it. It's a developmental thing.

What they lack in the area of clear communication skills, they make up for with insight. Kids know themselves well, better than many adults. They haven't yet learned from the "grown-ups" in their lives how to second-guess their feelings and reactions.

Kids know how they feel and they respond to that. Thus; the 2-year-old who throws herself on the grocery store floor and screams, the 10-year-old who insists he didn't hit his sister (not), or the 15-year-old who grows his hair over his face as a shield from the world.

No wonder adults have a hard time listening to kids!

Enter the art of interpreting kids' behavior, really listening, and then teaching and modeling more effective ways of communication.

Your kid. You'd give your life to save theirs. Give them a life saver now. Before they need it. They may even need it now and you just don't know it. Learn to be a world-class, Olympic, gold medal winning listener and communicator. It may be the best investment you'll ever make in your kids' life, or yours for that matter.

What goal?

Contrary to popular belief, redefining goals, continually...until you get there, is a good thing. There is no shame in acknowledging a changing reality and adjusting your course accordingly.

New information, uncovered strengths and unanticipated challenges happen. Never feel like you've failed if you reconfigure.

The truth is...defining a goal is the trickiest step to achieving a goal. Without a clear destination the risk of getting sidetracked or derailed is significant.

Once a goal is clearly and realistically defined, the path can be mapped. Once a path is established, you can walk, jog or run to getting there. One thing is certain; there is no sprinting on a cluttered, obstacle ridden path.

The mark of a master is the skill of detailing the destination.

The pig and the pulpit. The risk of assuming.

My husband and I married in mid-life. We have a lot in common, and also a lot of differences. The most obvious difference being that he is an African-American from the South, and I am an Caucasian American from the North. A less significant difference being that he knew all about chitlins, and I had never heard of them. For those of you like me...chitlins are the intestines of pigs that are "cleaned" and cooked for human consumption. There's a lot of history behind that tradition and here's a taste.

"Chitlins, often spelled chitterlings, are a type of food made from pig intestines. In the US, they are a common soul food offering, though their cleaning and preparation can take a good deal of time. They are especially popular served during Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations among African American families. The origin of chitlins is from the various foods served to slaves during the winter. When hogs were slaughtered in the South, African Americans were often given the intestines, instead of the meat of the pig. This led to a gradual dependence on the food as a "treat" during the winter months. Post-slavery, chitlins continued as a beloved culinary tradition. Because chitlins are intestines, they have to be cleaned with extreme care. They can contain fecal matter, which can translate to ingesting numerous forms of bacteria including E. Coli, versinia, and salmonella. If chitlins are sold uncooked, they need to be cleaned, and hand picked of any remaining fecal matter. Guides on cooking chitlins often suggest boiling them for 5 minutes to sterilize them prior to preparing them. Chitlins can be added to stews or soups, and some people prefer them cooked and then deep-fried. When deep-fried, chitlins may be dipped in mustard, or other spicy condiments. Chitlins also are used for casings, meaning, before you reject the idea of chitlins, don’t forget if you’ve had sausages, you’ve eaten them."

wisegeek.com

I never imagined that people would desire to eat pig guts. I also never dreamed that in the African-American Church there would be a "pit" near the pulpit.

When we first met and I was still getting accustomed to his Kentucky accent, whenever my husband would reference a minister's message he would say “the pulpit.” I, however, wasn’t hearing pulpit. His accent made it sound, to me, like “the pull pit.” I questioned myself each time he mentioned it, which was multiple times weekly as we were, at the time, “church shopping.” My best idea of what he meant was that in the African-American, Southern Baptist church there was some “pit,” like a baptismal that the preacher stood near...that I wasn’t seeing from my limited vantage point in the congregation. My doubt was magnified because this was my first exposure to the African-American church, which differed greatly in tone and process from the Caucasian church I’d grown up in. I just knew I had a lot to learn and assumed that “the pull pit” was one of them. 

 

The day I understood that “the pull pit” was actually “the pulpit,” I was initially too embarrassed to even admit my misunderstanding.

Now just imagine if we had been communicating about something much more serious; like what to serve at Thanksgiving dinner, turkey legs or pig guts. Assumptions can be tricky at best, and dangerous at worst.

The un-blog.

I am not writing a blog right now.

I am too busy writing a book proposal to write a blog.

The good news is that I'm finally doing my book proposal. The bad news is that I really, really, really miss writing blogs.

I've had lots of ideas for blogs in the past few weeks! Like this morning. I wanted to write about "Yes. He hit me, but it wasn't domestic violence. He was fending off a pit bull in his dream." But, no. I have to focus on my book proposal.

Why do I like blogs so much? Well, in part, because blogs are short (not like a book proposal). Blogs are free flowing and demand little editing (not like books). Blogs are whimsical fun (a book proposal provides longer term gratification).

The deadline is July 31 so I'm signing off now. I knew I would miss writing to my readers. I miss you all very much, and will hurry back, very soon!

Negotiation Skills 101

When attempting to sway another person, the ground you stand on is very shaky until you clearly understand their need.

Easier said than done. Listening is really hard work, mostly because it requires us to not talk for a period of time. It also demands that we set aside our own agenda, at least temporarily.

Information on negotiation skills is profuse. Libraries, book stores, marketers and managers are loaded with good advice. I've soaked up a lot of this knowledge in 24 years of professional experience and would argue with anyone that it boils down to one primary component. Listening.

It's kind of like getting buff physically. We can read about it all day long, research it, talk about it, even join a gym. Unless we're routinely working out and eating healthy we won't get (and stay) in optimal shape. Gotta do the hard work. In negotiating, gotta listen. When we know the other person's pain and needs and they know we know, then we can offer solutions and support. Otherwise we're just babbling. This applies to everyone in our lives...friends, clients, family, strangers, etc. As the saying goes, people don't care what we know until they know how much we care. They'll know we care when we;

• Clearly understand what's important to them, and
• Convey our understanding in a way that's comfortable and inviting for them to receive it.

It's that simple and it's incredibly challenging to master.

Doublespeak...just bein' real.

Doublespeak is language that deliberately disguises, distorts, or reverses the meaning of words. Doublespeak may take the form of euphemisms (e.g., "downsizing" for layoffs), making the truth less unpleasant, without denying its nature. It may also be deployed as intentional ambiguity, or reversal of meaning (for example, naming a state of war "peace"). In such cases, doublespeak disguises the nature of the truth, producing a communication bypass. Wikipedia.

I prefer straight talk. I like to know exactly what I'm dealing with. Just give it to me real. Some people, of course, are so well versed in doublespeak it's their language of origin.

It's actually a form of control. A manipulation. Granted, sometimes the intent is good but that does not dismiss the fact that it nurtures a communication bypass.

Not all doublespeak is bad. Marketers use it to sell product and services. Politicians, teachers, preachers and a myriad of persuaders use it.

People in intimate relationships should not. Business partners, husbands and wives, and best friends should use straight talk. I'm just bein' real. Can you dig it?

What to Gift the Grad...

It's that time of year again. Graduation; from college, high school, middle school, and these days we even celebrate the shift from kindergarten to first grade. A common dilemma during this season becomes "what to get the grad?"

When I graduated from high school my friends were having lavish graduation parties. Not me. My parents bought me a set of luggage (no kidding) and sent me packing for college. I wasn't that disappointed. I remember thinking "What's so huge about graduating from high school? I just did what I was supposed to; go to school for 13 years and get the diploma...no great cause for reward." I didn't feel any different about undergrad college...just doing what I was supposed to. In fact, both times my parents even had to talk me into attending the ceremonies. 

On the other hand, graduate school was a completely different story. I earned my master's degree while working full-time, being a wife, parenting two children (one an infant), and selling and buying a home. Those were four very long years. I was tired most of the time, set aside recreation and, seemingly, my sanity. Graduating, with honors, was probably the greatest hurdle I'd jumped in life. A pole vaulting high jump! So significant, that fourteen years later I can still remember the celebratory gifts I received, and the people who gave them. Other than the green vinyl luggage, I couldn't tell you how I "celebrated" graduating from high school or undergrad college.

Are you gifting from what matters to you, or them? It's all relative. My parents were gifting from what mattered to them.

To help someone celebrate in a way that's meaningful to them, you have to know what they value, and be willing to honor it. It's that simple.
 
If you're not sure, ask. Ask them, or their friends or family. If you don't want to ask, give a card with a heartfelt message and let it go at that. Sincerity is the name of the game. Always.

 

Tweens, Teens and Greatness

Theodore Roosevelt said, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Surely our own tweens and teens know how much we love them. So why don't they embrace each and every word we say? We have such valuable wisdom to share! We know them better than anyone else on earth, yet they reject so much of our knowledge, so much of the time.

The truth is, we need our teens working towards independence, making more of their own decisions, and, yes, disagreeing with us. As challenging as that can be, imagine the alternative! By making every choice for them we'd be setting our kids up for failure. Lack of confidence is a rough way to head into adulthood.
It would be nice, however, if our kids could slip from that developmental stage of dependence, to the glories of independence a whole lot quicker, like between age 17 years, 364 days and age 18!

Teens navigate these challenging years more successfully when they have a trusted adult, other than a parent or teacher, to help support them. A life coach can be that person. A grandparent or trusted neighbor can be that person. Someone to offer the encouragement and guidance that a parent can, but without being another authority figure in their life. As in a coaching relationship, the teen and their adult friend are on equal footing. Assuming they don't know what's best for the teen, they help them figure out what they want from life and how to make it happen! Mostly, they listen, listen and listen some more!
If you're a teen, seek out such a person. If you're a parent, encourage your child to make, and keep, such a connection. If you are that person, be as available as you can as often as you can, and know that our world appreciates you.

Dating. Whew!

We humans are relational creatures. We want to be wanted, appreciated and loved. We want to care deeply for another special person. The truth is, the simple act of making new friends can burn an incredible amount of energy.

Dating?   
...that can be a lot of hard work!

The dance of dating brings out the best and worst in us. Our strengths and insecurities, hopes and fears all surface. Worst of all, if you begin to fall in love, perspective can get very foggy...quickly. What might help at this point is the "love" version of night vision goggles. Seeing clearly through the starry, yet sometimes cloudy and stormy night sky is always a good thing!

Confusing?
...yes, and very complicated.

Expectations make it tricky. What one person looks for in a dating relationship can be very different from what another person hopes for. You may expect to socialize, with the goal of getting to know each another along the way. They may expect something completely different. Despite the words that come out of their mouth, or via their electronic communications, there is often no way of knowing their true intentions in advance.

Who?
...the $24,000. question is always "How do I know who to date"?

Preparation is key. There is nothing wrong with writing a list of your desires and expectations in advance. In fact, I encourage it. Knowing where you're headed greatly increases your odds of getting there. Preparation is ultimately the best guarantee of clear vision and a successful dating relationship. With strategy in place there may never be a need for night vision goggles or any other tools of self-defense. Put another way, "Would you look just one way before crossing a street?" Looking from only one perspective when dating is just as risky. Knowing what you want, and being disciplined enough to screen for it is crucial.

Here are a few suggestions you may find helpful. I did.

1. Think about the personality traits, values and qualities you're looking for in a partner. Write them down. Look at the list frequently.
2. Assert yourself and quickly turn your back on suitors who don't meet your expectations.
3. Care deeply for yourself. Take great care of your own emotional, physical, financial and career needs. The best strategy for finding a great dating partner is being a great you.

Tsunami of the Self

tsunami  (ts-näm): a very large ocean wave that is caused by an underwater earthquake or volcanic eruption and often causes extreme destruction when it strikes land.

Hearts and minds the world over continue to offer prayer and financial support to our Japanese brothers and sisters. Those of us outside Japan cannot imagine the experiences they've had, and will continue to deal with for years as a result of the March 11, 2011 earthquake and tsunami.

We do know, intimately, our own emotional tsunamis. A traumatic life experience can send us reeling out of control. Some of us even react by destroying the people and things in our path. Take, for example, a romantic breakup. Falling in love can be the emotional high of a lifetime. Losing love can be a most devastating emotional experience. Remember your first (or even most recent) lost love, and the tear it ripped in your heart? People become depressed over breakups; sometimes even committing suicide, homicide or crimes against people and property.

The power of emotion is analogous to the power of a tsunami. Life changing. All consuming. Completely devastating. An interior eruption that often causes extreme destruction when it strikes. A recent study led by Ethan Kross, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, found that the experience of social rejection, such as a romantic breakup, activates the same parts of the brain involved in sensing physical pain. Social and physical pain share a common neurocircuitry and involve a highly specific pattern of brain activation, giving new meaning to the idea that rejection hurts.

The difference between an ocean tsunami and an emotional tsunami is that we have control over how we respond to our emotions and can prevent a tsunami. That's a huge difference. A lifesaving difference.

We shouldn't wait for an emotional earthquake to hit in order to disaster-proof our lives. We can work on building resilience so that when, not if, emotional disaster strikes, we're prepared to ride the wave until the storm calms.

First Things First

Life can get overwhelming. If we're not taking one thing at a time we could easily get discouraged. Of course, the tough part can become...which thing first?

As a life coach, I get this question a lot and always respond with, "For your information, let me ask you a question." (Louis B. Mayer).
Yes. A question for a question.

It might go something like this.

(client) "I'm not sure what to focus on first; my lyrics or my music."
(coach) "If you knew...what would you say?"
(client) "I don't know! That's why I'm here!"
(coach) "What's your best guess? You can be wrong...but if you did know, what would you say?"

I have yet, in all my years of coaching, to stump a client. Whatever they say, we go with it and keep peeling away layers until they know what they know.

Point being...we do know what's best for us. We are the experts on our life. We may need some support in defining choices, but once we're clear on the options we know the direction that's right for us. Intuitively, almost magically, it's there for our discovery. The next step is to honor it; acknowledge, validate and act on it. That may be another question.

Fight Fair? I don't think so.

Webster's Dictionary defines fight as "to contend in battle," whereas their definition of fair references "impartiality, honesty and freedom from self-interest, prejudice, or favoritism." That seals the deal for me! Fair fighting is an oxymoron. I vow never to suggest that fighting can, or should be fair. 

From where I stand, negotiation is a much more appropriate way to deal with relationship conflict.  Webster's says, to negotiate is, "to confer with another so as to arrive at the settlement of some matter."

All relationships, I repeat, every long lasting human interaction experiences conflict. Depending on your degree of investment in the relationship,  it may be worthwhile to go the distance in addressing it. 

When conflict arises, get face-to-face, with guard down, to discuss providing for the needs of one another. Negotiate.  

Unless, of course, you want the relationship to end, in which case fighting may be an option!

Communication Success. Exceptional Results Guaranteed.

Louis B. Mayer, the famous Hollywood studio mogul, once said, "For your information, let me ask you a question." He was certainly onto something. People like to be listened to. In fact, they like it way more than they like listening to others.

Visualize a person you've been having communication challenges with. Now, memorize this simple four-step process and practice it in conversation with them, repeatedly. Miracles will happen. Walls of resistance will fall...yours, and theirs. A willingness to move past disagreement and towards a focus on problem solving will emerge.

The simple (not necessarily easy) four step process is as follows;


Step 1: Ask a question.

Key point! If you want an open conversation ask an open ended question. Asking, "Did you have a good day?" yields a very different response than "How was your day today?" The first question encourages a yes/no response. The second, an explanation.

Step 2: Listen.

Listen with the W.A.I.T. strategy in mind  (Why Am I Talking). You get the idea. To really listen means to NOT TALK. Give good eye contact, track the speaker with your head, nod occasionally, etc., but DO NOT TALK. To our question about how the day was, we might hear "I had a great day until the drive home. The traffic was horrible and I was getting low on gas. I debated about pulling over to fill-up, but figured I could make it. It was very frustrating."

Step 3: Validate.

Summarize what you heard. This is how the other person knows you heard them.  They can then either confirm or clarify your understanding. Validating might sound like this, "It seems like you had a great day...other than your drive home. The traffic was terrible, you were low on gas and wondering if you should pull over or try to make it home...I know that was frustrating for you." The great thing about this strategy is that you don't have to guess or try to interpret what's been said. You merely repeat back what you heard with no judgment or value on it.

Step 4: Repeat as necessary.

We all want to be heard. We don't expect people to agree with us all the time, but we do expect to be understood. Sometimes it's all we need. If there's more to be addressed, feeling heard sets the stage for the next step in relationship success; negotiation, and if necessary, fighting fair. More on those topics next time!

Balancing: Work and Life

I recently coached a client (let's call her Barbara) around work/life balance issues. She talked about the elusive challenge of balancing the energies she spends parenting, owning a business and being married. My first coaching question was, "What would your life look like if you did have work/life balance?"

After much contemplation and conversation, she came to the same conclusion that so many others before her have. Achieving sustained equality in balancing work and life is a misnomer. Improvement, yes. Perfection, no. Realizing that her expectations were setting her up for disappointment, our focus shifted towards defining a more realistic picture of what improved balance would look like. Barbara described a world of having more time to spend with family, building her business without feeling "stressed" and enjoying time for hobbies and recreation. Family time was tops on her list.

For Barbara, the solution boiled down to improving personal boundaries. She started scheduling family dates. She also discovered that she needed to stop doing some things, such as watching certain TV shows, in order to start freeing up energy and time. She began to actively honor what she truly valued...family time!

Barbara realized that what she'd done over the years was to take on tasks, responsibilities, habits and commitments while neglecting to let something else, with a lower priority, go. For Barbara, clarifying and honoring boundaries became the key to improving work/life balance.

Webster's Dictionary defines boundaries as "anything marking a limit." That's what Barbara really needed; to limit those things that were interfering with the achievement of her goals. The work we're doing can be easily summarized;

• Define what is most important and disregard what others say or imply about your priorities.
• Identify those things you need to stop doing and, of equal importance, those things you need to start doing to honor your priorities.
• Remind yourself that it really is okay to say "no" to activities you are not passionate about and to spending time with people you do not enjoy.

It really is okay.

Barbara worried about hurting other people's feelings and this has become a challenge we're currently working on. With each step she takes toward honoring her values, by practicing the discipline of changing habits and the art of saying "no," she's achieving more balance. More peace.

How To Find Motivation!

Mo·ti·vate: to give a reason for doing something.

It’s official. I no longer believe in the concept of lack of motivation. By definition, a person has motivation if they have a reason for doing something. Therefore, if one has a reason, they have motivation. How then can a person lack motivation? They can't! What they can lack is a realistic goal, or a workable plan to achieve their goal.

To combat this fallacy...when it seems like motivation is evading you, use these three words to ask yourself three very important questions.

When. Why. What. 

1. "When did it begin?"

Be a detective. Yup. Very, very carefully search for when you began to struggle with motivation. Was it before you even started (procrastination)? Was it mid-stream (losing focus)? Was it in choosing a task easier than you'd intended (avoiding a challenge)?

2. "Why do I struggle with motivation?"

Feeling unmotivated isn't, and I repeat, isn't a lack of intention. It results from being confused about why the push isn't there. You must give yourself only honest, realistic appraisals at this point. For example, if you're losing steam half-way through a music practice session it could be that you're tired, or hungry, or thirsty, or irritated, or cold, or hot, or preoccupied for some other reason. It's crucial to identify what lies beneath the surface. You can then implement the greatest strategy toward exciting motivation. Honest self-talk. The language of truth.

3. "What can I do about it?"

Once you know when and why, you can move onto what, and design a realistic, workable plan for change. Because you're tending to the root cause now, guilt and negative self-talk are not part of the equation. What does matter is being real about what needs to change, making a sound plan and taking action!

So, the next time you find yourself thinking, "I don't feel motivated," immediately switch the script, put on your detective hat and figure out why. Settling for the belief that you're unmotivated is self-defeating. What's likely is that you're unaware of what's actually fueling your lack of desire. Once you identify and deal with that, the motivation will spring forth and you'll do what you need to do!