Facebook; friend or unfriend?

I tend to be a visual person. I don't know about you, but when I'm interacting with friends on Facebook, I often imagine what the live scenario might look like. You know, how the scene might play out if we were having an actual, person-to-person encounter.

For instance, if I'm posting or commenting on the wall of a Facebook friend I've already met, like a high school or college buddy, in my mind I see a picture of us hanging out in a living room, backyard, or chatting in the isles of a grocery store.

When I'm on-line with someone I haven't met in person, I imagine us talking in a coffee shop, at a networking event or business social setting. You know, the kind of places that are good for getting to know someone new.

However we meet new people, there's an initial hope for a great connection, though sometimes that hope is short-lived. I became Facebook friends with someone who turns out to have some very different viewpoints on life, and shares a lot of negative, discouraging thoughts. Here's the thing though...we also have things in common, and sometimes she is surprisingly encouraging. I've pondered unfriending her, but then I think things like, "Gee, I could be a positive influence on her." I also think, "I am so tired of her sarcasm."

As in "real life," once we've opened the door, or in this case, our wall and let new people into a corner of our lives, we then have to make a decision about what to do with the relationship. If it's a great fit, well, then it's a no-brainer. We stick with  them and nurture the friendship. If it's not a good fit; that's when it becomes tricky. We can either drop them, or in Facebook language unfriend them, or we can keep the relationship. The decision then becomes about whether we're real, or superficial with them. Just like real life.

What's not so much like real life it that it's WAY easier to invite in, and then to ignore, unfriend or block someone out of your life behind the veil of the Internet. The truth is, we are all still people and all have the same feelings about relationships, whether live or virtually 'live.' So the question is, will you stay or will you go?

Hey! That's my kid you're talking about!

Your kid. The most important person in the world...each one, no matter how many you have. You'd give your life to save theirs.

Here's the thing about kids. They don't always tell us what they're thinking. When we don't know, we can't help and let's face it, they do need our help from time to time. 

Despite evidence to the contrary, kids want to be heard. Really heard. In this respect, they're no different from us adults. In another respect, they are very different. Kids can't express themselves as articulately as adults. They can't help it. It's a developmental thing.

What they lack in the area of clear communication skills, they make up for with insight. Kids know themselves well, better than many adults. They haven't yet learned from the "grown-ups" in their lives how to second-guess their feelings and reactions.

Kids know how they feel and they respond to that. Thus; the 2-year-old who throws herself on the grocery store floor and screams, the 10-year-old who insists he didn't hit his sister (not), or the 15-year-old who grows his hair over his face as a shield from the world.

No wonder adults have a hard time listening to kids!

Enter the art of interpreting kids' behavior, really listening, and then teaching and modeling more effective ways of communication.

Your kid. You'd give your life to save theirs. Give them a life saver now. Before they need it. They may even need it now and you just don't know it. Learn to be a world-class, Olympic, gold medal winning listener and communicator. It may be the best investment you'll ever make in your kids' life, or yours for that matter.

What goal?

Contrary to popular belief, redefining goals, continually...until you get there, is a good thing. There is no shame in acknowledging a changing reality and adjusting your course accordingly.

New information, uncovered strengths and unanticipated challenges happen. Never feel like you've failed if you reconfigure.

The truth is...defining a goal is the trickiest step to achieving a goal. Without a clear destination the risk of getting sidetracked or derailed is significant.

Once a goal is clearly and realistically defined, the path can be mapped. Once a path is established, you can walk, jog or run to getting there. One thing is certain; there is no sprinting on a cluttered, obstacle ridden path.

The mark of a master is the skill of detailing the destination.

The pig and the pulpit. The risk of assuming.

My husband and I married in mid-life. We have a lot in common, and also a lot of differences. The most obvious difference being that he is an African-American from the South, and I am an Caucasian American from the North. A less significant difference being that he knew all about chitlins, and I had never heard of them. For those of you like me...chitlins are the intestines of pigs that are "cleaned" and cooked for human consumption. There's a lot of history behind that tradition and here's a taste.

"Chitlins, often spelled chitterlings, are a type of food made from pig intestines. In the US, they are a common soul food offering, though their cleaning and preparation can take a good deal of time. They are especially popular served during Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations among African American families. The origin of chitlins is from the various foods served to slaves during the winter. When hogs were slaughtered in the South, African Americans were often given the intestines, instead of the meat of the pig. This led to a gradual dependence on the food as a "treat" during the winter months. Post-slavery, chitlins continued as a beloved culinary tradition. Because chitlins are intestines, they have to be cleaned with extreme care. They can contain fecal matter, which can translate to ingesting numerous forms of bacteria including E. Coli, versinia, and salmonella. If chitlins are sold uncooked, they need to be cleaned, and hand picked of any remaining fecal matter. Guides on cooking chitlins often suggest boiling them for 5 minutes to sterilize them prior to preparing them. Chitlins can be added to stews or soups, and some people prefer them cooked and then deep-fried. When deep-fried, chitlins may be dipped in mustard, or other spicy condiments. Chitlins also are used for casings, meaning, before you reject the idea of chitlins, don’t forget if you’ve had sausages, you’ve eaten them."

wisegeek.com

I never imagined that people would desire to eat pig guts. I also never dreamed that in the African-American Church there would be a "pit" near the pulpit.

When we first met and I was still getting accustomed to his Kentucky accent, whenever my husband would reference a minister's message he would say “the pulpit.” I, however, wasn’t hearing pulpit. His accent made it sound, to me, like “the pull pit.” I questioned myself each time he mentioned it, which was multiple times weekly as we were, at the time, “church shopping.” My best idea of what he meant was that in the African-American, Southern Baptist church there was some “pit,” like a baptismal that the preacher stood near...that I wasn’t seeing from my limited vantage point in the congregation. My doubt was magnified because this was my first exposure to the African-American church, which differed greatly in tone and process from the Caucasian church I’d grown up in. I just knew I had a lot to learn and assumed that “the pull pit” was one of them. 

 

The day I understood that “the pull pit” was actually “the pulpit,” I was initially too embarrassed to even admit my misunderstanding.

Now just imagine if we had been communicating about something much more serious; like what to serve at Thanksgiving dinner, turkey legs or pig guts. Assumptions can be tricky at best, and dangerous at worst.

The un-blog.

I am not writing a blog right now.

I am too busy writing a book proposal to write a blog.

The good news is that I'm finally doing my book proposal. The bad news is that I really, really, really miss writing blogs.

I've had lots of ideas for blogs in the past few weeks! Like this morning. I wanted to write about "Yes. He hit me, but it wasn't domestic violence. He was fending off a pit bull in his dream." But, no. I have to focus on my book proposal.

Why do I like blogs so much? Well, in part, because blogs are short (not like a book proposal). Blogs are free flowing and demand little editing (not like books). Blogs are whimsical fun (a book proposal provides longer term gratification).

The deadline is July 31 so I'm signing off now. I knew I would miss writing to my readers. I miss you all very much, and will hurry back, very soon!

Negotiation Skills 101

When attempting to sway another person, the ground you stand on is very shaky until you clearly understand their need.

Easier said than done. Listening is really hard work, mostly because it requires us to not talk for a period of time. It also demands that we set aside our own agenda, at least temporarily.

Information on negotiation skills is profuse. Libraries, book stores, marketers and managers are loaded with good advice. I've soaked up a lot of this knowledge in 24 years of professional experience and would argue with anyone that it boils down to one primary component. Listening.

It's kind of like getting buff physically. We can read about it all day long, research it, talk about it, even join a gym. Unless we're routinely working out and eating healthy we won't get (and stay) in optimal shape. Gotta do the hard work. In negotiating, gotta listen. When we know the other person's pain and needs and they know we know, then we can offer solutions and support. Otherwise we're just babbling. This applies to everyone in our lives...friends, clients, family, strangers, etc. As the saying goes, people don't care what we know until they know how much we care. They'll know we care when we;

• Clearly understand what's important to them, and
• Convey our understanding in a way that's comfortable and inviting for them to receive it.

It's that simple and it's incredibly challenging to master.

Doublespeak...just bein' real.

Doublespeak is language that deliberately disguises, distorts, or reverses the meaning of words. Doublespeak may take the form of euphemisms (e.g., "downsizing" for layoffs), making the truth less unpleasant, without denying its nature. It may also be deployed as intentional ambiguity, or reversal of meaning (for example, naming a state of war "peace"). In such cases, doublespeak disguises the nature of the truth, producing a communication bypass. Wikipedia.

I prefer straight talk. I like to know exactly what I'm dealing with. Just give it to me real. Some people, of course, are so well versed in doublespeak it's their language of origin.

It's actually a form of control. A manipulation. Granted, sometimes the intent is good but that does not dismiss the fact that it nurtures a communication bypass.

Not all doublespeak is bad. Marketers use it to sell product and services. Politicians, teachers, preachers and a myriad of persuaders use it.

People in intimate relationships should not. Business partners, husbands and wives, and best friends should use straight talk. I'm just bein' real. Can you dig it?